Some people think that emotional regulation is about staying calm all the time.
This is NOT true.
Emotional regulation is about being able to notice what is happening inside your body, understanding your emotional experience, and responding in a way that is safe, flexible, and helpful.
It’s a developmental skill that grows over time, and children learn it gradually through relationships, support, and repeated experiences of safety.
Implicit vs Explicit Emotional Regulation
The APA Dictionary of Psychology describes two types of emotional regulation:
- Implicit emotional regulation: Automatic, unconscious processes that help the nervous system settle without effort. This is the foundation of regulation – the part that allows children to calm themselves naturally, without needing instructions.
- Explicit emotional regulation: Conscious strategies such as breathing tools, reframing, or using a coping plan. These can be helpful, but they only work when the child is calm enough to access them. When a child is dysregulated (or they haven’t developed implicit emotional regulation), their nervous system shifts into a survival state and the thinking parts of the brain go offline. In that moment, they simply cannot use cognitive strategies – the brain isn’t available for that kind of work.
For children, implicit regulation is the goal.
It’s what allows them to regulate automatically, without needing reminders or scripts. And the best way to build implicit regulation is through three core developmental foundations.
Explicit strategies can be woven into these foundations – but they should support development, not replace it.
The Three Foundations of Emotional Regulation
1. Connection to Self
Children must first understand their own bodies and internal cues. This is the beginning of self‑awareness and the basis of all regulation.
Signs of difficulty:
- Interoception challenges (not noticing hunger, tiredness, toilet cues)
- Drawings that show heads without bodies. This often reflects an immature or under‑developed body schema – the internal map of their physical self.
- Surprising reactions (“I didn’t know I was angry!”)
- Clumsiness or poor coordination eg bumping into things, tripping, or struggling with bilateral tasks (cutting, catching, climbing).
- Limited awareness of posture or movement. eg Not noticing when they are slumping, fidgeting, clenching fists, or breathing fast.
- Avoidance of body‑based play. eg. hesitation with movement, messy play, or sensory experiences that require bodily engagement.
- A nervous system that seems “switched on” most of the time. These children appear constantly alert, tense, or easily startled. Their baseline is already elevated, so even small challenges can tip them into overwhelm.
How to support:
- Model noticing your own cues: “My shoulders feel tight. My body is telling me I’m stressed.”
- Comment gently on your child’s cues: “Your fists are clenched. Your body looks frustrated.”
- Offer sensory experiences to strengthen body awareness. Eg. massage, yoga, kids meditation, heavy work, movement, and tactile play. When children feel their bodies more clearly, they can recognise emotional cues earlier and regulate more effectively.
- Help your child learn what activates and what settles their nervous system, so they can recognise early cues and choose strategies that bring their body back into safety.
2. Connection to Feelings and Emotions
Children need to understand emotions as they feel them and link those emotions to bodily sensations.
Signs of difficulty:
- Trouble naming basic emotions.
- Meltdowns that seem sudden.
- Children who have adults in their life that regularly distract, minimise, or shut down their emotional experiences. These children then lose the opportunity to feel emotions firsthand and connect those feelings to bodily sensations.
- Children who have caregivers that struggle to regulate their own emotions or who weren’t taught emotional skills themselves.
How to support:
- Name the body cue PLUS the emotion: “Your face is scrunching and your voice is loud. You are feeling angry.”
- Use books and stories to explore emotions.
- Allow feelings to exist without rushing to fix them.
3. Theory of Mind (Understanding Others)
Theory of mind helps children understand that other people have different thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Without it, social situations can feel confusing and overwhelming – a major trigger for dysregulation. Children usually develop theory of mind between the ages of 3-5.
Signs of difficulty:
- Not animating dolls or figurines in their play
- Difficulty understanding others’ emotions
- Challenges with sharing or turn‑taking
How to support:
- Get curious together about characters in stories or movies: “I wonder why she did that?” “I wonder what he will do next?”
- Use pretend play with dolls, puppets, and characters.
- Talk about your own thoughts to model perspective‑taking.
Co‑Regulation: The Bridge to Self‑Regulation
Even with all three foundations, children cannot regulate alone. They learn regulation through co‑regulation (borrowing an adult’s calm nervous system).
Through repeated experiences of co‑regulation, children learn:
“My feelings are safe, and I can come back to calm with support.”
This is what eventually becomes implicit self‑regulation – the automatic ability to settle, adapt, and respond flexibly.
Explicit strategies (breathing, scripts, coping tools) work best after implicit regulation is developing. Without the foundations, explicit strategies often feel confusing, frustrating, or ineffective.
How to support:
Validate feelings: “Your feelings make sense. I’m here with you.” Validation helps the child feel safe enough to stay in the emotion rather than fight it.
Stay calm and grounded: Children borrow your nervous system. Your tone, posture, and pace matter more than your words.
Use a warm, predictable presence: Soft voice, slow movements, and consistent boundaries help the child’s body settle.
Name what you notice: “Your breathing is fast, and your hands are fidgeting.Your body looks anxious”. This links body cues to emotions and builds implicit regulation.
Offer co‑regulation before correction: Support first, teach later. A dysregulated child cannot learn until they feel safe.
Slow down the moment: Pause, breathe, and reduce stimulation. This helps the child’s nervous system shift out of overwhelm.
Model your own regulation: “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m taking a slow breath to help my body calm down.” Children learn regulation by watching you regulate.
Use connection before tools Once the child is calmer, you can introduce explicit strategies like breathing, stretching, or problem‑solving.
Stay close (physically or emotionally): Sitting nearby, offering a hand, or simply being present communicates safety.
Repair after rupture: If things get messy (as they do), reconnect with warmth. Repair teaches resilience.
For more information and resources:
Your Calm Is Their Calm: Co-Regulation Strategies for Infants and Toddlers : Article by ZeroToThree
Co-regulating with children of all ages : Article by The Therapist Parent
What is Emotional Co-Regulation and Why is it Important? : Article by Learning Links
🌼 A Note From Me…
At Playful Minds, we focus on strengthening implicit emotional regulation through:
- Play‑based therapy
- Sensory‑motor development
- Pretend play that builds theory of mind and executive functioning skills
- Emotional vocabulary and body awareness woven into play
- Child‑led sessions that honour pace, strengths, and interests
We also support parents to use explicit strategies within these foundations — in ways that feel natural, connected, and developmentally appropriate.
Renee Irving Lee
APPTA registered Child Play Therapist (TM)
Master of Child Play Therapy | Grad Cert Positive Psychology | BEd(Special Education)
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